Novelette: "Mana"

Plain old discussion of Alicorn stories.

Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby Alicorn » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:15 am

It didn't feel like it was trying to be longer; sometimes stories feel like that but this one didn't even though it could have sprouted a couple thousand extra words without my going "no really now". I definitely want to be very conservative about introducing extra characters. People are hard to keep track of. There's a reason the trio's parents and siblings and so on don't have first names.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby anthusiasm » Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:51 am

Opinions
So I think the reason I wasn't bothered by the stuff jalapeño_dude mentioned was that Kizi seemed like a really believable character to me? Like, I never got the impression that her character traits were too convenient. If she had been totally okay with Ens dating the other two while being married to her, that would've felt forced, but that's not what happened. As it was, she was okay with not marrying Ens because she didn't want to be married to someone who was in love with someone else, which, yeah, of course she doesn't, that's normal for monogamous people.

I was slightly bothered by the fact that Kizi was set up with Tasnan at the end, but that was more because I wasn't sure what they had in common than because it felt too contrived.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby Alicorn » Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:14 pm

If I wanted to sell you on Kizi/Tasnan I'd have shown it onscreen; Tasnan is merely plausible enough to soften the news for Kizi's mom.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby DanielH » Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:32 pm

That makes a lot more sense; I was also worried about that but figured it wasn’t that important for it to go well.

Was the source of Sanuar’s problem supposed to be a bit of a mystery? I figured it out practically right away even though I was wrong about some details.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby PlainDealingVillain » Wed Jul 08, 2015 1:18 pm

That seemed like it was supposed to be a solvable puzzle. I also had the broad strokes of it figured out as soon as Sanuar realized that something wasn't working correctly, though I was wrong about some important details.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby Alicorn » Wed Jul 08, 2015 1:24 pm

I tried to telegraph it but not write it out in block capitals; some people got it and some people didn't.
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Re: Novelette: "Mana"

Postby modrony » Sat Jul 11, 2015 12:18 pm

I liked the conflict between desires and principles.
Sanyar studying magic and not having enough time for romance.
Ens wanting to resolve her situation without hurting Kizi or getting disowned.
Niomah being practical and careful with her future and having real affection for her family that prevented her from just running off with her lovers.

The difference between dreams and how things actually work felt like the main conflict of the story for me.

The other problems like the treacherous master and the rapey suitor felt like they were added to resolve the main conflicts.
It felt like circumstances conspired to produce a happy ending instead of the characters solving things for themselves.

The build-up was very good and characters felt real to me, but the ending fell a bit short.
On the whole, I did like it if not as much as I expected to.
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